Look, for an admittedly anxious person dealing with major depressive and a neurological disorder, I acknowledge that the whole getting out of bed thing every day is a big deal. But I want more for myself than just functioning. I want a whole hell of alot for myself. And I think that’s the thing that is as crippling as it is inspiring.
Last month I booked my first leading role in a feature film and create the proof of concept for the TV show I’m trying to sell. I guess you could say I had some really great confirmation that what I’m doing is right. But then I had to fire my agent because she doesn’t believe in me, and there hasn’t been another role coming my way and I’m way behind on posting on the site and….
You see, I don’t hold on to success for long. I’m incredibly hard on myself. Usually when I score a big win, I immediately start working on the next thing to prove that I deserved the last. I’m always trying to talk myself out of being proud of my accomplishments. I’m always belittling the things I get done. I call it a realistic view on my life, but I sometimes think that realistic view runs into the dismissive.
When I started working, I functioned entirely on praise. I was a workaholic because I required constant affirmation that I am lovely and admirable and successful. If a day went by without a big task getting crossed off the list I went home feeling dejected and miserable. Now as a freelance creative, I have entire weeks go by without any sort of positive feedback. My husband tells me all of the time that I am super cool and worthy, but it’s easy to dismiss his praise as pity when he’s complimenting me as I sit in bed unshowered.
I’m having to relearn how to feel as worthy as I once did in an eight to five world. Sure, I was miserable and unhappy, but I knew how smart and talented I was because it was broadcast to me every day. I’m in the process of building a production company with my husband and in the process of getting this series out to the world. When you work for yourself there is no one there to encourage you through the process – people are only privy to the finished product.
So what’s the answer to all of this? How do I convince myself that I’m worthy of the task I’m trying to accomplish? I honestly don’t know. But I know it’s not by hiding in my house by myself like I’ve been doing. I know it’s not by not writing another screenplay or not applying for the roles I really want. An all stop on life guarantees that nothing will happen. This post is my first step toward reminding myself of how capable I am. Maybe yours is just taking the first step toward accomplishing your own dreams. I guess we will learn together.